I’ve slayed the first trimester

Twelve weeks (really eight, but, you know, they spot you four) in to the Great Pregnancy of Two Thousand and Eight and we’ve crossed into the Second Trimester. They say pregnancy takes 38 weeks or three trimesters. 38 is a number not divisible by three which consequently pisses me off. Why would your base unit of pregnancy progress not line up nicely with a Gregorian calendar? Annoying.

So here we are heading into week thirteen — as of Wednesday — and the supposed glory of the second trimester. It is obviously now time turn back the dried yellowed pages of time and analyze the passing of this the first trimester. Watch out, it may get personal.

Libido

First things first gents. The onset of The Pregnancy brings with it many symptoms. Some of which may inclued an increase in appetite, a loss of appetite, constipation, diarrhea , yin, and sometimes yang. One symptom that They never tell you about is a severe loss of libido aka SEXUAL DRIVE.

Just to clarify: my libido is unaffected in anyway (fyi, ladies!).

I hear that across the river Jordan, in the promised land of The Second Trimester, sex flows like wine. Unlike now. Where it does not flow. In any sort of way or manner.

Food

I’ve been organizing a home-based, grass roots, armed resistance against eating unhealthy and expensively. I envisioned pregnancy as a vast German offensive, swiftly dividing, encircling, and, ultimately, destroying all of my culinary attempts to safely feed our new bulge (aka HW). Luckily, it hasn’t been nearly that bad. I think Val has only had two intense cravings that have each lasted about a week: salsa and tangy foods. Salsa was easy and the tangy food thing was placated with Granny Smith apples.

There have been, however, foods that incite such hatred that the mere mention is enough to have your eyes put out and tongue cut off. Currently those foods include: cumin and … chicken? WTF! Chicken! Like, everything is made from chicken. Luckily chicken seems to be working its way back into Val’s good graces. But seriously, people, what is cumin like? Is it still delicious? I bet it is.

Mood swings

Pregnant women are crazy! Ho ho ho! Life is just like Everyone Loves Raymond! Thus far I think the number of instances where I was left utterly befuddled after an emotional encounter with the wife total two. The first time I was making a chicken salad and it made her cry. Honestly. The other time MattWhite made her cry by telling her that she “was being overly sensitive for two now.” That turned out to be a fatal maneuver — the funeral will be held later this week.

Other than that things have been copacetic.

—

I’m not sure the entire enormity of the situation has fully sunk in — in fact I’m sure it won’t until T-0. But until that fateful day we remain optimistic and in good spirits.