The first plank of my prenatal fatherhood platform

I am severely committed to following plank in my run for Fatherhood in 2008. Please, by all means, keep me accountable to my campaign promises.

Plank one: Don’t be boring and obtuse

I have learned — from other expectant fathers — that from the second your wife’s pee seeps into that historic stick, coaxing those pink lines to boldly come forth, you must tell boring stories that no one gives a shit about. The following list, which is by no means comprehensive, details topics that prenatal fathers must tell elaborate and boring stories about — perhaps to innocent strangers:

• wife’s vagina
• bisphenol A
• breast pumps
• mucus plug
• constipation
• pregnancy books

To be completely honest, people, this plank might not apply to you. You come here with the intent, the unabashed raw desire, to read the latest tale of woe/joy as it springs from my fingers. But! dear man on the street, fellow coworker, friend I am drinking a beer with, I realize you have no — zilch — desire to know my the progress or schedule of my wife’s bowel movements, etc.

Therefore I promise to not inundate you with mundane stories that will, quite frankly, bore the piss out of you.